I’ve had three toxic relationships in my life
The latest one is with my business.
I’m not a big fan of regret.
It really does seem pointless to waste time wishing we’d done things differently.
We did what we did. It is what it is.
That being said…
When I think about all of the time I wasted in toxic relationships, obsessing over things that took away my peace, I feel that pointless sting of regret.
My first toxic relationship was with my own appearance.
My second was with my high school boyfriend.
And today, I’ve channeled that toxic energy into my business.
This is me working through that in real time.
So, welcome to my head.
My first toxic relationship was with my appearance
I probably started nitpicking my body when I was about 14.
I became conscious of my weight because I noticed how the boys I thought were cute never seemed to “like” the bigger girls.
I started paying attention to how big I was compared to my friends, and whether or not other people deemed me as skinny, pretty, desirable.
From ages 16 to 26, I very rarely allowed myself to eat the foods I actually enjoyed. I was always watching what I ate, or on some sort of diet—intermittent fasting, keto, paleo, whatever-the-fuck-o.
I became bulimic around age 18, and my obsession with everything I put in my mouth cranked up to 11/10.
I’d avoid any “bad” foods that would just trigger a trip to the bathroom.
I’d sip vodka sodas while my girlfriends enjoyed appetizers.
And even years later, after I committed to not purging anymore, it took me probably five more years to stop exercising out of self hatred.
I spent hundreds of hours in therapy, working with my fitness coach, and doing my own personal development work to unravel my toxic relationship with fitness and finally figure out what my real issue was.
Why I “couldn’t” look the way I wanted to and actually enjoy my life.
And as much as I believe all those years of work were worth it, I would love to go back and tell little Kelsey that life is too precious to waste not enjoying food and movement.
Second toxic relationship: my high school boyfriend
Although, if I’m being honest, it was probably every guy I dated before the age of 25.
Now, I don’t think anyone really handles heartbreak amazingly…but I used to let that shit destroy me.
I cannot tell you how many hours, days, weeks of my life I wasted giving my happiness away to guys who didn’t care for it.
I can still vividly remember the nights I’d go out with my girlfriends…
dressed in tight outfits and uncomfortably high heels…
hopping from restaurants to lounges to nightclubs…
hunting for someone to make me feel whole.
And I couldn’t let myself enjoy any of it.
I couldn’t just be there, enjoying the moments. Enjoying the company, the music.
Enjoying the fact that I was young and alive and having a night out with my friends.
My mind would be wondering what he was doing, who he might be with.
Why he’d chosen someone else over me.
What I should have done differently.
All because I was perpetually attracted to men who didn’t want me as much as I wanted them.
It was always the same cycle.
The first few months would be bliss—and then they’d move on, their eyes would start wandering away, and holy mother of God would I take that shit personally.
I could not move on knowing that someone I desired simply chose not to be with me.
And that gaping insecurity in my chest would eat at me, no matter how much I tried to distract myself with staying busy.
I’d feel empty, like everything was pointless.
I’d be looking over my shoulder, low-key hoping that he’d somehow walk through the door because he tracked me down to apologize.
I know all those years were bricks that built the person I am today—and I actually really like myself today—but I could have felt so much more joy in my adolescence if I’d just given it to myself.
Today, my toxic relationship is with my business
I’ve figured out fitness. I’m confident in how I look, feel, and move in my body.
I’ve figured out relationships—both with myself, and with my partner.
Today, my insecurities get channeled into my business.
I didn’t fully realize this until a couple of weeks ago, but I see now.
In the same way I used to miss out on happiness in favor of obsessing over how I looked or who was chasing me, I now do that with money.
I compare myself to other people who seem more successful than me.
I often think that I should be “farther along” than I am.
And I give up so much of my peace because I worry about what more I could be doing, if we’ll increase our revenue this month, and what’ll happen if I take some time off.
It’s not that I don’t love what I’m building. It’s that I’m constantly second-guessing myself, how valuable I am as a service-provider, and why I can’t seem to figure out how to earn more and enjoy myself more.
You might have realized by now, I’m the problem
The common factor in all of these toxic relationships is little old me.
I told myself I couldn’t look the way I wanted to and actually enjoy my life. I lived by that story for over a decade.
I looked to the men I dated to make me feel loved and validated and worthy because I didn’t feel those things about myself.
And now, I use my business in the same way.
I withhold my own approval, then make something else responsible for giving it to me.
The problem was never my body, boyfriends, or business.
The pattern isn’t “I attract toxic things,” it’s “I turn things into tests of whether I’m enough.”
I don’t have a perfect ending for you here
I’ve broken this pattern twice. And yet, here we are.
It’s not that I don’t know what to do.
I know exactly what’s worked before — knowing just hasn’t stopped me from doing it again.
Those patterns didn’t break because the thing finally cooperated. They broke when I stopped asking “why won’t this work for me” and started asking “what do I not know yet?”
I had to stop treating it like a judge and start treating it like a teacher.
It’s funny actually, writing this now, that this is literally the Inspired Idiots thesis: getting curious, being willing to admit what I don’t already know.
I’ve built a whole brand on asking dumb questions being leverage—and it’s the same move I used to let go of two toxic relationships.
The business is just the first time I’m catching myself mid-pattern instead of in hindsight.
I guess that’s why this feels a bit embarrassing to admit.
But it’s also why it’s hopeful.
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Project Oehsis Update
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